Okay, so I know I only seem to use this thing to rant/ rave about films, but this REALLY had to be said. My little sister recently bought Twilight on DVD, and I decided to watch it, just so that when I complain about it in the future, I'd know what I was complaining about, and so would actually have a good reason to do so. I wasn't expecting much, of course- emo tweenybopper romance and wussy vampires are hardly the ingredients for a cinematic masterpiece. But Twilight was everything I'd expected and less.

First off, we have our heroine, who is arguably the most boring character in the history of cinema. It is clearly established that Edward will not go out with anyone at school, because he is a "vampire" so he needs someone really special for whom he is willing to risk the lives and safety of his family (how does that even make sense?). So why does he choose someone who is completely devoid of any discernable personality? Seriously, I've see more well established characters in Tex Avery shorts. She was clearly just a placeholder for any thirteen year old girls in the audience. And when she arrives at her new school, why is everyone so nice to her? Literally EVERYONE treats her like she is awesomeness in human form. No human being on earth acts like this! At last we know what happens when the unpopular girls hopes and ambitions get published in a best selling book. Is this really how the writers think teenagers act?

Now, being a "vampire" Edward has to keep his special powers a secret , so what does he do? Uses his superhuman hearing to eavesdrop on Bella from the other side of the car park, and then talk to her about it. Ooh, she'll never suspect a thing, Eddy. Of course Bella needs to find out what his deal is, and so she takes some hazy memories of what happened before a traumatic near death experience (because that's when the old memory is at its most relaible) and adds this to the fact that his hand was cold and eventually comes to the most logical conclusion she can; He's a vampire!!!! Of course, why wouldn't I have though of that? But it turns out she is right; Edward is a "vampire" and proves this to her by using crappy special effects to carry her up a mountain and then shows her how he glistens in the sunlight, like an undercooked leg of beef. And Bella falls instantly in love with him. Ah, so to get the girls to like you, all you have to do is act like a standoffish git, eavesdrop on her conversations, sneak into her bedroom at night and watch her sleep (because that isn't creepy or pervy at all) and constantly tell her how much you want to drink her blood. At last I know where I've been going wrong!

So Eddy takes her to his house, which is deep within the woods so they don't draw attention to themselves. Because no one would notice a house made entirely out of glass. Oh and great protectoin, by the way. There are evil "vampires" out there who are strong enough to rip up trees by the roots, stop speeding cars with their bare hands and rip human bodies to pieces, but they'll never be able to penetrate your impenetrable glass fortress!! And when the evil "vampires" do turn up, do they actually take action and kill Ms. Boring? No, they just stand around, say some cliched dialogue ("Lets not play with our food"..... eugh) and skulk away. And when we have the final faceoff at the ballet academy (the setting for an epic confrontation if ever there was one) they casually rip the guy to pieces in front of Bellas eyes! As if the girl hasn't seen enough already!

Of cousre, none of this stuff would matter much if the film itself were entertaining or fun, but it is neither. It's boring, cliched, poorly written, poorly directed and not nearly as clever as it clearly thinks it is. I mean, did you know the writer of the books didin't even bother researching vampire mythology before writing them??? Howe the hell can you expect to write a decent story if you know nothing about the subject matter??????

Sweet jesus what an awful film.